The Life Hypnotic

Brief Return Post...

2009-10-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

SO, Life has caught up with me but I assure you I will be back in running soon. Any request subjects will be welcomed too.

Here's what I wanted to say. Sometimes...hmm. Well, in my case. Sometimes putting yourself "out there" is just that. Should I stop taking signs? Should I stop my mysticism-esque ways. perhaps. It would have been fun though. Vague, yes. intentionally.

ok, I'll elaborate. I find very few people "intriguing"--at least people I can see face to face. So, when that does happen---I admittedly get excited. This time I actually did something about it and now...I wait and accept the brutal truth. That not everyone thinks like that.Or if I'm lucky I'm just being impatient. However, to the powers that be---I tried. I TRIED. end of story. update if update is called for...

Closed doors have some pretty open windows...

2009-09-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

There are so many things in life that are finite. C'est fini. These actions, words, and moments that something has passed and you either move on or linger. I'd like to consider myself a hardcore lingerer..
But then the saying goes, " When someone closes a door..someone opens a window". Or something like that inserted with "God" and his "mysterious ways". I never really bought that. I always just..."opened" another door. screw the window. It gets drafty. Well, guess what guys? I found the window (metaphorically) and I saw it opened and looked outside. It was GORGEOUS! All the crap that happens in our life in hindsight becomes some of the best lessons in our life and most morbid laughs. That window is looking forward but also not afraid to look back. When I look back on all the time I wasted "worrying"--I think I should have sucked it up or YELLED it out! But now I think, things needed to happen in my life. People needed to be in my life to "test" me and "challenge" me and teach me how to be who I am today. We learn from our experiences and we learn more looking back. Looking back --especially in this age of technology-- can help mend bridges and bring old life- new breath. I have had so many beautiful "re-connections" from doing this blog that I now realize the window was just that. A chance at old life--re-imagined and matured. So Thank you everyone in my life that's back again and I hope to grow it more.

un abrazo,
Asta

Reading...people. (person)

2009-09-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today, Today was good. I may have a job now...I'll know this weekend for sure... woot!

I had a lot of thinking to do and I came to realize that my psychic's noting of my "unlucky in love" status-was my own doing. I am part of a "cycle relationship". The relationship that starts on pure bliss then teeters slowly toward unrequited love on one side or the other then resentment begins and back up again. The narrow line of long distance and....tolerance. "We" care for "him" deeply but environmental standards are low....meaning-in sometimes overly scientific "Asta speak" that time and distance can heal and hurt. These things can also confuse. Confusion is a big part of my love world. Actually it seems to be a big part of a lot of people's love world.I see it often now. Going out on any given day I consider myself an observer about half the time. I watch people in their element with fascination, curiosity, and sometimes plain old disgust. I'm not like a "creeper" or anything but I try to be a metaphorical fly on the wall. With this project I've brought this aspect of me into hyper-drive and notice when "breakups" are about to happen or when "hookups" are. What they all have in common is a physical understanding. There are a beautiful set of subtle cues that led up to a payoff on the same level. It's something I understand from others and see in them...but I don't always see it in myself. I'm so used to being "cerebral" in my committed relationship experience that those subtle cues are thrown to the wind at first glance. So the payoff is immediate...there is no ease in. Now beyond my own issues I think this leads to the big issue of "hookup culture". With technology, assumed understanding and whatever, people don't care to grow anything. Not even a "conquest". People may disagree--and if they do then they are probably not aware of the vast majority. For example, a close friend of mine and I were walking home the other night-it was 1:30 am already...just walking to the car. We gave absolutely no eye contact but to each other...then suddenly we are followed by two guys...we notice they are there but don't acknowledge them...(plus I'm wearing my red hoodie "as usual" living up my Hard candy-ness in EVERY way.) ...they continue to follow past public area...then they say, "what are you ladies doing tonight?". REally?! I know being drunk played into it but... seriously. My friend and I were not at a bar, did not look at you and wanted to go home. Read the cues.This was not the first time that happened and I'm sure it will not be the last. These instances have clear physical indication. What about in the case of distance...

How do you read someone when they are miles away? I'm finding that more and more difficult. The harder thing is communicating how I feel. There is so much to convey and too often does that rely on crappy communication via internet and text. What about the voice? Where is mine in my love life? In person-it is in passion and trying to make the most of little time but no "what about now"? Where am I at in love? I say I love you...what are the rules of that...? Is my delusion of traditional love gone?( subliminal message coming soon....in form of song.)

so in the immortal words of Fiona Apple's "Shadowboxer"

"Once my lover, now my friend.

What a cruel thing to pretend.

What a cunning way to condescend.

Once my lover, now my friend.

Oh, you creep up like the clouds.

And you set my soul to ease.

Then you let your love abound.

And you bring me to my knees.

Oh, its evil,babe,the way you let your grace enrapture me.

When, well, you know, Id be insane -
To ever let that dirty game recapture me.

You made me a shadowboxer, baby.

I wanna be ready for what you do.

I been swinging all around me.

cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move.

Oh, your gaze is dangerous.

And you fill your space so sweet.

If I let you get too close,

You'll set your spell on me.

So, darlin, I just wanna say.

Just in case I dont come through.

I was on to every play.

I just wanted you.

But, oh, its so evil, my love,

The way you've no reverence to my concern.

So, Ill be sure to stay wary of you, love,

To save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn.

You made me a shadowboxer, baby.

I wanna be ready for what you do.

I been swinging all around me.

cause I dont know when you're gonna make your move."

could not have said it better myself. I'm still wrestling with these questions and somehow noticing the solutions in others...bummer.

with hope and time and some magic mixed in I'll know.

un abrazo,

Asta

Being A Magnet

2009-09-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, today I have to say was a pivotal day. weird. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It started just like most. I woke up early got my favorite hempshake and went to my morning lab. Then I decided to check my email on one of those public access computers...blah blah blah. I eventually decided to go downtown for a bit and then made my way to my next class at this theater. Anyway, we had three speakers from a show going on there and did a lot of talking about what an actor does after college..scary yet exciting. I want to go to New York. I suppose everyone does but I'm excited about it despite the cliche. So, I finished that class and walked out to go home. Out of nowhere I decided- "I need to catch that bus!" I ran for this bus going downtown and missed it. On the other side of the street was another bus going in the opposite direction..the more logical direction--the one that would take me home. However, I decided to take the 16 instead of wait for the 3 and I got on. I got on thinking, "Well, I guess I could go to Snelling...pick up some things?" The bus started going down university and I was like, "What am I doing? I don't need anything plus I am tired and want to go home..."So I got off near the Harvard market and started to walk up the street to take the 2. What happened next felt like part of the movie "Teen Witch" for lack of a better description. The wind has been particularly rough and It was hard to walk and It stopped being hard and I looked around. Something was drawing me to this old bookstore. I looked in the window and it said $10 special walk ins welcome. I thought maybe it was a trashy salon. Then I started to walk in for who knows what reason. I looked again and noticed it was for palm reading and tarot cards. I laughed it off and continued to walk but felt heavy and felt...like a magnet. A magnet being pulled toward this obscure psychic "shop". So I went in. I thought- why not? The room was rustic and had mirrors and old pictures. I thought about how weird it felt and how I never thought I would do this...especially without looking for credentials. ANYWAY, there was an interesting woman and she was on the phone. She saw me and waved me in. She had this weird pull about her. I couldn't resist. I felt as if I was being hypnotized and drawn to her. She asked what I wanted and how she could help me. I explained I wasn't sure what I was doing here but I guess the 10 dollar special I saw in the window. She told me that was for a few tarot cards and some palm reading. I wanted to know more so I was willing to pay more. Needless to say I went for the 20 special as I had 20 dollars exactly. I got my full tarot and palm reading. She also said I could make 4 wishes and ask three specific questions. Crazy as it sounds, it was a very significant moment in my life. I needed to hear the things she said. I know, I know. You are probably thinking- "These people are scam artisits- they read you and it is a fraud." Well, she is a great exception. I barely said a word. I was stoic and I've seen my fair share of not only gypsies but gitanas...I know what to expect. The details were quite personal but I will share my lucky numbers which are 5,7, and 4. Also she said I will be traveling in the next few years quite a bit and I will be in London and Italy for love. (Interesting) Also, that New York is my next step. (creepy) New York will be good to and for me, she said. She confirmed that I am "unlucky in love" but it's up to me to fix it. I have some decisions to make. I have to start putting my needs before others more. She says the bad luck comes from my family...makes sense. There are so many things she said and wrote that I could not have led on. When she held me hand I felt as if she was in my head and I felt very distinct energy pass. I can't put my finger on what it was but I do know it was therapeutic. I made some profound wishes for my family of now and future and one for me. I don't want to say it might give it away-but she assured me they would come true. It may seem silly and far fetched but I am a firm believer in signs. Sometimes you are led or shown the way and there is no explaining. I had no reason to go to that part of town today. The wind navigated me and whether she was right or not- I needed to hear it.

So let yourself be a magnet and find where it takes you. Sometimes it's right where you need to be.

"Not all who wander are lost."
J.R.R. Tolkien

un abrazo,
Asta

Pursuit of health from the inside out---Raw food. mmmm.

2009-09-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

In today's entry I wanted to talk about something that has been a love of mine and improver of quality of life....

So, over the past month or so I've been on the journey to become as RAW as I can. By RAW I mean-eating unprocessed, unheated foods at their highest form of nutrition. So far I am about 50-60% if there would be a rough estimation. (That's because of boiling pasta and toasting grains) I start my days with Hempshakes....delicious Hempshakes. (If you ever want my recipe-let me know)They are raw and give me energy and have really helped me level my former stomach problems. I know you are probably thinking;"Why is she talking about this? It has nothing to do with anything..." Well, I am telling you because taking care of myself has helped me have a better outlook on things. In a culture obsessed with GO GO GO and desensitization. Something as vital as food can change your perspective.When you are aware of how to take care of "you" to become a well fueled machine-you reach a higher potential. Everything feels richer for me now. Plus it is more delicious and my body thanks me. So look into your eating life...it feeds into everything else. I am not trying to make everyone a raw foodie but one should think about how they feed themselves. For some say the way to the heart is through the stomach--there has to be some truth to that. After all-you are what you eat.

In that case-I am half raw/ half boiled...? Or All natural with heavy helpings of nuts and fruits...
that sounds intense...

Thank you Ani Phyo, Nutiva, Sambazon, and Produce Growers everywhere. You are improving my life everyday-simply by nourishing me and you keep me going.I LOVE you!

P.S. Don't get me wrong I will still go for "junk" every now and then...but like all things in life-moderation.

to goji berries and coconut oil!

un abrazo,
Asta

My wonderful friend Josh had a wonderful show tonight and the results of watching it....

2009-09-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, As some of you may know-this blog and my youtube channel are my freeplay project/process. I am working through my own thoughts and influences on love and showing you a large chunk of it through these mediums. My friend Josh is also working through love and performs a one-man cabaret yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It was BEAUTIFUL, DARING, SENSUAL, PROVOCATIVE, And Full of truth and vulnerability. I am so proud of him. As I am wrestling similar issues (love and finding a match), I found his musical journey quite fitting. It was RAW. It evoked true longing. I was watching the majority through the camera lens but still very much enjoyed it.

I left thinking: Why can't we have it all? Love AND Lust. Sure we all have basic needs. We want to be cared for but why not be cared for with unbelievable amounts of passion!!! When one thing is working in a relationship something else is ridiculously bad. And when both things are working the person is unavailable to you. Either because of commitment or disinterest/friendship. Another thing that came up in the production is "impossible love". For him and I we both had experiences abroad that because or one reason or another couldn't work. Mine purely because of distance and my stupidity. To this day I am heartbroken to not answer his last message. I am heart broken to not have continued communication. I actually met this guy while dancing with liz and josh as well. I thought it would be a fling to end my stay in London. It was more. He was more. He was not trying to hard, not being overbearing, it was all natural. I've rarely been at ease with someone like that before. I think about him a lot and Josh's show brought it back like a flood gate. I was fully myself with him from moment one to the last second. He cared for me when I was sick and still managed to make me feel like a goddess. Conversations with him felt like school day crushes and grown up topics rolled in together seamlessly. I loved the poems we wrote to each other, the emails, the phone calls, and even shared music files. He sent me the Cinema Paradiso theme-this clinched all the thoughts I had for him--he was real and true. He made my romantic notions not seem silly. How could something so perfect end? Distance and Life and complications. I became afraid of him changing his life to be with me. I became afraid of resentment which I have seen destroy others. I was afraid of "TRYING". WHY? GOddamnit. He was my shot at happiness. Clear cut and simple. I stopped communicating with him because I was afraid. I was afraid of loving him so much I didn't know where he began and I ended. We had both things. We had passion from the first night. We had love where it counted and yet when he looked at me I felt innocent and pure as the first snow. I felt "shiny and new". New like no one had ever damaged my heart or made me feel used. I imagined our life together. I wrote poetry. I sang.....I ruined it. What if? What if one day I go back? What if he comes here? What if we both move on. I sure as hell have been trying. I am torn on this too. I've been in love three times in my life. Once is still strong once again and started when I was young. Once was when I was down and it was something exciting but maybe not right. This last time was at ease and I cut it in its prime. I cut it. Before he could or the world could spoil it like the other two. I write this with tears on my typewriter and a lack of waterproof mascara. If you are reading this I hope you know-I knew it was real. I was afraid to ruin it, I still am. I hope and wish you the best and you have made such a profound effect on me-it will always stay with me. always and forever plus a day.

I still remember your eyes in mine.
I remember every kiss.

P.S. Thank you Josh for helping me to purge these emotions and for such a riveting performance.

un abrazo,
Asta

Setting myself up for failure...

2009-09-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

I just had one of those unbelievable epiphanies---with the help of my two best "gal pals", a projectionist, and a Belgian Tripel. I already knew I was a bit of a walking contradiction in my wants on love...but I had no idea as to what depths I would go. I am a self "degrader". I---self "degraded". I imposed degradation on my "romantic" spirit. I say I want to be romanced and wooed. I have been---and what pray tell happens to these brave souls? I throw them aside or gently tell them I am unavailable or uninterested and throw it all to the wayside for.....a "bad boy". (Totally related to jadedness and love limbo might I add...)I never thought I'd utter such a cliche BUT it's true. I know what they want. We all do it's honest. We think we will be the ones to change them and while I feel like I have at one point...(still working on that). --we always falter. It's ridiculous.What makes them "bad" is that they aren't looking for your best interests-just theirs. They are self servers with egos to stroke. Something that we may find dark and comforting. Why do we do it? Ok, I am not even going to pretend "I don't know". I do. They are more fun. They are more risky. On a "basic" level I know what to say and do to be with them...(get your mind out of the gutter). But then when I've recognized this I still think I can be little "Peggy Sue" and learn from them and change them forever. No such luck. What I end up doing is selling myself short for a chance. A chance to make them the exception. Or just degrade me potential for "fun". I want this fresh approach-but it's impossible. Before I even introduce myself they already know. (Or think they do). They know I know--romance is dead at the bar. Who falls in love at a bar. op op op! I didn't say MET- I didn't say lust- I said LOVE. No one. (unless of course they are in a romantic comedy...) I don't even go to a bar looking for love. What I am looking for is disguised as "love" but...let's not kidd ourselves. I tried an outside bar experience these past few weeks. I began building a possibility with a guy. I didn't play my usual cards. I let him pursue. Finally I realized-I played my cards in a new way. The talking friend way that made me a possible "friend with benefits" card. I marketed myself through intellectual banter as a girl open and far from social constructs and norms. I was "free" to understand our baser needs and the need for independence. WHY?!!! Why didn't I just say, "I think love is the best thing in the world. I think romance feeds the soul. I love poetry. I think traditional views on women would help should they be combined with modern view--treat me as an equal and with respect. " Why did I defy the part of me that would get the eventual good result? Because---I want I want I want. Instead of I need I need I need. Immediacy.

What now? Perhaps more focus on me and what is already "cooking" and less on what could be...?

un abrazo,
Asta

I have an awesome Uncle!

2009-09-25T11:38:00.001-07:00

Hey guys!
I just wanted to post a picture of my awesome uncle he is currently visiting America to see my mom
( his sister) and my dad in Washington. I can't explain why (well he's awesome) but I love him very much..so here is a picture of him that helps to explain that.

It's the pig van with burritos....ha!

Until we meet again, "Te amo muchisimo tio!"

un abrazo para mi tio y todos,

Asta

A Man's Guide to "picking up" an "Intellectual" Woman

2009-09-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

There are numerous books, articles, and tips for men out there on how to pick up the ladies.
Yes, there will always be a special chemistry with the right person but you have to start from somewhere. Women are all individuals-yes... but there is a certain breed that identify themselves as "intellectual". They are a breed that has spent their time reading books, watching the news, and cultivating a personality. As the years have gone by they may have continued to cultivate confidence and charm to match. However, the majority of these women are not pursued as often because men are either intimidated or think they are snobs. Well, I have spoken with several women-friends and peers and compiled down a list of things men should know if they met one of us...

1.)Start with humility-chances are she knows more than you or thinks she does) Admit your shortcomings as they come up and she'll be honest with you too.

2.) Don't over "pepper" her with physically related compliments like-nice purse, pretty eyes, cool shirt, nice ass...

3.)If you do decide to compliment her, then do so in a non-cliche way and use it mid conversation...make sure she is responsive and not looking around the room for an escape.

4.)Catch her off guard with a fact, something that seems contrary to her preconceived notion of you, random humor(tasteful),etc.

5.)Also, keep conversation stimulating don't allow for big gaps unless of course eye contact is high and you are having "a moment".

6.) On that same note-remember chances are the way to heart is through her head...and sometimes a fancy meal is nice too.

7.)Don't come on too strong, keep chill, hold your own.

8.) Take cue from Mr. Darcy and Han Solo--don't agree all the time...challenge her, it'll make things more interesting ( If you don't know who that is watch the movie or read the book immediately--book would get more points, oh and "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" would also get points-if she has a sense of humor-and if she doesn't then maybe it is not worth it.)

9.) Compliment her wit intelligence, sense of humor, or quirk. ( The biggest compliment I've ever received was when a man told me I had one of the most beautiful... "minds" he has known in all his life.) This separates from the physical and notes the cultivation of her personality-very important.

10.) Beeeee Yourself-be confident, girls who have "brains" and "beauty" are great detectors of bullshit.

I personally think these all would work and keep in mind to each his own.

un abrazo,
Asta

Get Mad and Sad and Glad....whatever you want

2009-09-23T18:40:00.001-07:00

Shake, Rattle, and roll! Throw a brick at an abandoned building! Scream in an open field! Go to an old movie theater marathon of scary movies and yell at the characters as if you will prevent them from being attacked by the axe murderer! Get all that tension out of your body and let that angry, sad, whatever energy out into the world where it may find itself useful...like to a sloth or emo kid searching for depression....?

What do you think this entry is about? hmmmm? well, let me just tell you already!
Free to be - you and me! Abandonment of inhibitions!

I am all for expelling inner frustration or just meditating it all back like a renewable resource. Why is this relevant? mmmm....uh. It just is. I had hip hop class today and I feel good. that is all.

I love today!!!!! I love my amazon acai hempshake with hazelnut agave nectar and blueberries! I am a ball of just freakin' giddiness. I feel released...hope this lasts longer.

Everyone in my life I lost contact with even though we were close at one point: Sorry? Let's be friends again.
Everyone in my life I know now but don't hang out often: Let's hang out. It would be cool.

Everyone, everyone: thanks for dealing with my crazy spurts and hopefully loving quirks!

WOOOOO!

over and out.

un abrazo,
Asta

Optimism for love incarnate...and it's a...MAN!

2009-09-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

"Live your autumn and share your spring!"

"Love is a verb-you got to go out and get it!"

"Life is nothing unless you are willing to risk!"

"Love at first sight may be fun but take a second look."

"Live love don't go looking for it!"

"Love with insight is better than love at first sight."

I'm feeling a little bubbly today-I'm a contradiction..we've known this. But this man is great and encourages the utmost full life through love!

A few months ago, I had to do scene work and was given the opportunity to work with Mr Robert O. Berdahl. Here is his site: http://www.robertoberdahl.com .

we worked on a scene from my beloved Federico Garcia Lorca ....I selected a scene from "Blood Wedding" He was Leonardo and I the bride. fun stuff. great experience! Anyway, we spent a lot of time talking about the actual context of the script but a lot more time talking about what motivates passion, love, etc. Well, love is dramatic but it can also be optimistic. It can be great when people in love work to bring out the best in each other. Robert told me to look into Leo Buscaglia. He wrote in in my notebook and weeks later in a different state I opened it and was pleasantly surprised. I had never heard of him before. On top of that I had never heard of a man-in this century---who wasn't a musician or actor--talk so passionately and with optimism about love.

SO, I dedicate today's entry to Leo Buscaglia and all great men like him.

He dedicated his life to encouraging people to make the world a better place by loving. From cookbooks to dedications to his father, he was just a teddy bear of love. So here are some quotes of his and a link to his official website and some great videos. It may seem cheesy but I think it's beautiful...enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opGlp1pE59s Part 1 of Speaking of love (continue from there)

"To live in love is to live in life and to live in life is to live in love"

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmQP8txmDD8&feature=related Part 1 of 10 Born for Love (continue from there) (fun to watch)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyfKol26sS8&NR=1 Part 2 of 10 Born for love (a great part...who am I kiiding they all are-look at the 80s audience) (continue from there...you know you want to.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Tth7BSQgt8&feature=related (Makes me teary! Live NOW!)

here is his official page...

www.buscaglia.com

Leo Buscaglia

great influencial speaker and lover of love

un abrazo muy grande,

Asta

Love Limbo- Purgatory for the non-religious...

2009-09-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am a senior in college and the perfect example of someone stuck in "Love limbo".
So many people go through it at this point in their lives too. I am in my last year of college. I have nothing but possibility ahead of me. At the same time, I want to live up being a "student" while I can.....then contradiction sets in.
Damn you contradiction! You make me go through odd fluctuations and impossible reasoning!!! WHY?!

"What contradiction?" you ask. simple. well, the past three years of "school"-let's call it- have also taught me more about who I am as a person. It hasn't been a self-love fest but I have peeled back many layers and continue to. Ok, so now that I know who I am the want to share it becomes immense. I have my friends who can appreciate it. I can in turn appreciate them. This is however when things become intangible and frustrating. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I want to be "romanced". Every fiber of my being is telling me I'm an idiot and to just be casual but my heart cries out to be taken seriously. Some nights it's almost as if I'm in my own Lorca play with incredible imagery and poetry while a damn carrie bradshaw wanna-be tells me to "just do it" or "he's just not that into you".
Well! I will NOT-hence the "love limbo". Perhaps, I 'll know when the time and person is right. The person to share myself with at this point in my life. I have so many " what-ifs" and so many "could have beens" and a select couple of "should have beens". I know I contradict myself. Hopefully you will get it. But let's do the world and ourselves a favor and just be friends. I'll be your buddy and I'll let my mystery man do the "heavy lifting"-let him romance me without me ready or hoping.
I will try bold moves in a bar-I'm no one easily embarassed. I will confess a crush-it helps me to relieve the burden. I will even consider strolling the evening with you-despite the fact that the midnight air is more intoxicating to me than wine. BUT I will not and can-not fall in love.
It just wouldn't be convenient.

Perhaps when I am successful, we are in the same place, or I own a jet.
Until then-"love of mine"-let's pretend we are "so not ready for a relationship" or that "I don't think of you as 'the one'.ok?
good. I will just continue to flirt and refer to my best friends as my soulmates...and give them undivided attention.

THERE.

Damn you oxytocin and your drive on my female function to need someone to cuddle with...

Fall is here. feel the chill?
un abrazo-to keep warm,
Asta

A Recipe for my "Perfect" mate...

2009-09-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

In my own experience and through my "research", I've started (well hardly 'started' but you know what I mean) to think...

"Do I have a type?"

What kind of person am I attracted to?"

"Have I already blown my chance at 'Great' Love?"

"What am I looking for?"

So, I've compiled my own recipe. It's not as simplistic as a spell, but it reminds me of the movie 'Practical Magic' and the true love spell. It's something that I don't know if it could ever be possible but here it goes...

Green eyes or Blue...something that's true

lips to speak words of jokes and romance...and of course to kiss and kiss...and kiss

A man with a wide-ranging taste-from unagi to paella

A daredevil up for dancing and jumping from planes

Someone comfortable in their skin and help me be comfortable in mine

A man who likes the outdoors especially the highlands of Scotland

Ambitious...to a degree-something to keep from getting lazy

creative and passionate...especially with me

cynical with a pinch of optimism

Mr. Darcy-esque ability to challenge me and keep me interested

And finally... optional but still much wanted:

A man with an understanding of news, foreign films, nostalgic references to pop culture via 70s through 90s, cartoons ( especially nickelodeon in the 90s), wide taste for beers and wine, errogenous zones, video games, Star wars--holy trinity, scary movies, sci-fi movies, Hard to kill with steven seagal..and various cheesy films, cheese, travel, music tastes relating with classical rock and folk and plain classical...and finally

the ability to lift at least 112 pounds....

I've found someone like this before...wonder if I can do it again.

thanks for reading,

un abrazo,
Asta

A List of 10 things I hate about...Love

2009-09-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

I usually analyze but here's where I criticize:

My take on what bothers me about falling in "love"...

10) That it makes me wish myself harm when things aren't going well...

9) The opinion of a loved one has as much if not more weight than my own.

8) The comfort zone (it's effect on the romance)

7) Timing, placement (Long distance)

6) Timing, placement (short distance)

5) Not knowing what constitutes as "individual and shared assets"...food, music, dvds

4)Feeling threatened by your female friend for no valid reason except that you have talked and she is a female...

3) Referring to myself as part of a unit....being the girlfriend and Not being the girlfriend

2) People asking when the wedding is...before the age of 35.

1) When my love is gone, I feel like I'm missing a large part of myself.

A case for the man...

2009-09-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

I started to have some thoughts the other day...
"Why are men the way they are?" "Is it really their fault?" " Is society making love the way it is or is society fighting what love is?" "Is modern love the way it is to adapt to an overgrowing population?" "Why are Maury's -'Who's the father' shows so frequent?"
"What if God were one of us...?" <--Not really the last one...

I pulled from various articles and these books:
"Madame Bovary's Ovaries", "Men and Women in Biological Perspective", and "The Female Brain".

The answer became screamingly simple. Take away the environmental components such as media, sports, and tradition---the essence is biological. A few years ago, Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg wrote a few books striving to educate people on some basic bio-knowledge. 'Why do men have nipples?' They say we are all gender neutral as females to begin with. 'Why do men fall asleep after sex?' Well, the amount of energy expelled is well...exhausting. So, based on new and old findings I sought to find out why men are (stereotypically) afraid of commitment. At first, I came to the conclusion that women simply had higher social brain sectors...via Anterior cingulate cortex and hippocampus. The first helping to give women discern with options and deciding and the latter giving women higher capacity for emotional and sentimental memory. These are both integral parts important in a relationship. However, why wouldn't men get past that. I mean most do...as they fall into the abyss of marriage....some even willing.
Well, moving on. There was something else that could explain it. The most contemporary proof was brought to us by Miss Charlotte York. During her first marriage on the tv show "sex and the city"--she was a victim of "Madonna/Whore Complex". Her husband couldn't...get IT up. He saw her as pure and other times dirty. This complex happens quite a lot in a couple when the man would easily fool around with a "bad girl" but prefer to marry a "virgin". In "Madame Bovary's Ovaries"(M.B.O), it is compared to "Tess of d'Urbervilles". (Good read-great mini series starring Gemma Arterton). So this all too familiar scenario happens more and more in modern society. Why? "M.B.O" suggests the frail male biological ego. How do males know their children belong to them? Men biologically question their genetic identity in others and fear taking the burden of caring for another person's child. How many times has Maury said, "YOU are NOT the father!" ? After all, we have biologically adapted to perpetuate this fear. Women carry the child in the womb for a gestation period of 9 months in which we can deceive a man into believing it is his and longer too. Also, as females we have all the care burden to ourselves. We are biologically designed to be abandoned. We breastfeed and care for the child, have natural born instincts to read them...etc,etc. So, how does this affect a man's commitment phobia? He can't trust you will hold HIS child...He can't read your delicate facial expressions...his frail ego is crushed. I feel for you men. You crave fidelity for this reason. To feel validation. I want to let you know--we do too. (women--and it's so you will not abandon us overall) And there are worse mating situations...You could be eaten by your female praying mantis or die instantaneously as a male bee. Perhaps it is the growing paradigm shift from our baby boomer generation before us. The discovery of birth control has given most women just as much if not more freedom than you-the men. Maybe this discovery has also prevented you from seeing who is in fact "virginal". How much can society affect you when your biological being is telling you that girl is "spoken for". Well, this behavior is also noted in the ringdove. The ringdove will shy away from females who seem too eager to receive courting--almost noting they may have gone through it before and don't want to put themselves on the line. So, keep faith men and note that women will stay faithful to a caring man who keeps her happy. We are all capable of love but we should understand these base needs. Hope that could keep some interest and take the weight off contemporary social barriers...

un abrazo,
Asta

P.S. I will be doing a video reading this week...special book. If any want other special love related readings on video let me know!

Texting...

2009-09-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

so today's topic is one of growing problem for EVERYONE!!! ooh, did she just insult the biggest form of communication in the modern world...?
yes, YES I DID! oh snappity...
well, why do "lol" or "heh". Does a chuckle need to be communicated while an overall tone isn't? Now I don't entirely hate this medium but sometimes I think it's treated as a substitute for communication instead of a supplement to it. I mean look at www.textsfromlastnight.com. That is entertaining but on another level very sad. This also further proves a growing detachment from REAL social interaction. As technology evolves-our social readings devolve. Savvy techies and social networkers have a harder time dealing with "Actual people". No wonder life advice is on the rise and people need to go to therapy instead of actually honing in on people skills. Skills like: listening, eye contact, and body language. I was in a class the other day and before the class, I couldn't help but notice the guy and girl in front of me talking to each other. he was CLEARLY into her and she was reserved but it seemed mutual.. Anyway, class still wasn't for another ten minutes and in either an attempt to avoid being rejected vocally or perhaps to be "cute"...he texted her and asked her out. ( I read over the shoulder..I know I'm horrible...whatever) her phone rang and she looked at it...and texted back. the end. HE"S right there! she's right there?! is it the sense of a voice saying, "No." So, I could go on for longer but I want you all to think next time you text. Is this to avoid a voice or relationship OR is it just because you need them to know you are outside in the cold and lost your keys...?(something like that)

oh and "sexting"...well that is different and a great form of foreplay but be careful...we are in a "wireless" world. yea...awkward.

un abrazo,
Asta

Check out my youtube channel!

2009-09-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have a youtube channel. There aren't many episodes...but there are plenty to come! I would love if you would come along for the journey and know that your contributions can affect where the show goes. Hope you subscribe and we'll learn together!

www.youtube.com/poppyrouge87

un abrazo,
Asta

Victorian Language of Love!

2009-09-17T23:38:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

Sorry to be late on my daily entry but I have just composed myself after a wonderful evening out....
Well, on to "business". I just wanted to share with you my fascination with flowers. My interest specifically dates back to a victorian project I did in 6th grade on Dickens where I was left with "floriography" . I really wanted to study origins of Christmas but for one reason or another someone assumed I'd want this. Turns out, floriography was the "language of flowers". No, they did not speak to each other---people used individual flowers, plants, and herbs to communicate specific messages. This maintained the reserved quality of the time while a flower talked of "overwhelming passion" for instance. Some of these principles originated from tradition while others were based on new opinions on the flower's value. Today very few flowers still communicate their meaning. The most obvious is the red rose-passion, love,blah blah. While red roses are great I think they can be pretty typical---but that's probably because I know of so many other phrases and flowers. For example-the meaning behind my youtube name "poppy rouge 87" rouge=red, so red poppy. The red poppy is the single flower representing- sensuality, pleasure, creativity, and intrigue. Pretty nifty eh? Another favorite flower of mine is the daisy-which by contrast represents- purity, cheer, loyalty, faith. However a "red daisy" that means "beauty unknown to the possessor". Pretty cool. So as giving flowers can be metaphorical in nature...(eh emmm) you might as well get creative, right? Send someone coriander to show "lust". Or how about witch hazel to put on a "spell". Then there is a hydrangea which means....."frigidness, heartlessnes,s or lacking emotional quality." So have fun! There are many primary sources on this in used book stores everywhere and online. In fact here is one site that strives to stay accurate...

http://home.comcast.net/~bryant.katherine/flowers.html

Have a great one! (day or night.)

un abrazo,
Asta

Mating: Lessons from the Animal Kingdom PART ONE

2009-09-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

Just to Preface this: I am a huge fan of this animal and I think the study of animals really does help us to understand our own humanity...

The Bonobo

Bonobos are our closest relatives. No, really not kidding. In other apes we share anywhere between 95-98% similar DNA. However with the bonobo, we share 99.5%. Yea, 0.5% makes a huge difference. I guess it accounts for our track to civilization and brain activity. It's actually quite amazing how much we can learn about ourselves from these (in my opinion) beautiful creatures. They have emotion like us and a very respectable sense of longing and bonds. Within a bonobo group there are several integral roles. The roles of Alpha, alpha's son, and newly joining females from other groups who have come of age.The strongest bonds are those between the females. In fact the females are the dominant gender in Bonobo society. I know, right? cool. But on most levels they are at equilibrium. The men are in a sense mama's boys and are taken care of. SO, they are in a society based on sex and the empowerment of females. For example, when a bonobo goes to feed there is an order unless they are foraging on their own-the ladies first. But, if there are two ladies and conflict seems not far away...what do they do? "Make love not war". literally. The women will pleasure each other and once both are happy.-time to eat. That's not just with the women this happens with the males too. They will have quickies left and right when foods around. The reason is to eliminate tension and keep up morale and pleasure.How wonderful.They also have a wonder sense of emotion. They long for things and they are affected by sensory factors. It's a longing that is beautiful to watch. They get excited with heat and cold and are fascinated with water and wind. click and paste -here watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eubDSQrFako

I will write more entries on animals in the future and encourage all to investigate for their own humanity in all creatures...

Information in this was researched from various reference books, Scientific American Mind, BBC, and the National Geographic.

un abrazo,
Asta

"The List" Part One

2009-09-15T17:55:00.000-07:00

Over the course of these entries and my videos on youtube I will be pulling from my own experience, field research, surveying, and research via notes, sites, and most importantly BOOKS!!!!

So, if you want to follow along and/or "enlighten" yourself- here are the core books in my independent study....unless you want to also add Cosmo mag from the mid 90s that my friends and I read at sleepovers...? Anyway, here it is...

1. 'The Female Brain'
By: Louann Brizendine, M.D.
Amazing book! As a woman, I had so many " Oh my god...that explains it!" moments. This has been a great insight read and now I feel I can somewhat prepare for the road ahead...

2. 'Madame Bovary's Ovaries': A Darwinian Look at Literature
By: David P. Barash and Nanelle R Barash

A chapter on What women want talking about Jane Austen novels....need I say more.

3. 'Proust was a Neuroscientist'
By: Jonah Lehrer

This book I just love for the pure reason that I really think science and art go hand and hand...just read.

So those are my core ( on the current path I'm on) , the books i will refer too often and authors I respect immensely.

the list will grow and grow....be ready.

un abrazo,
Asta

Flirting with little love? Crushes...

2009-09-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

SO,
now to the core reason behind me writing this blog. Love. My main subject Love!!! LOOOOVE!!! Love? yea, well we all have a take, a feel, or an opposition to it. Deep down, many of us have tried to find it, keep it, or lose it. It is part of what drives our existence ( some might say). Whether your heart is open, closed, or broken---something leads you going for more and more... I know I'm one of them. But why? Why do we do this? I for one was/is a strong believer in fate. In my early "bouts" with love ( or now as I look back on it-'like'), I felt it was a social construct-a game. Date a guy, meet between classes, have your little soap opera breakup to make you feel like an adult and repeat. It was especially weird for me because I grew up to become more of a tomboy falling for guys that were my friends and being confused about why I never really "liked" them in that way. Then I had my first major crush. One, like all I'm sure that led me to the unrequited love that pains me every now and again. Although now it's mainly a hodge podge of celebrities...Gabriel Byrne and Alexander Skaarsgard....(sigh). I barely knew him ( my first crush) but somehow I had imagined what it would be like and thought- if he just got to know me...well we would be perfect for each other. Well, time passed and funny how life works. He's still in my life. In fact we both go to the same school! Weird. we did have a lot in common but the affection( on my part) has now turned to a friendship. It's a pleasant reminder of the pure list of "firsts" in my life and long before I had been heartbroken by people I let in. So on a light note ( at least on my life) in this entry I just want to ask all to re-examine what your first crush was like. How did it make you feel? When did you know it was over? (Or if it turned into something...How luckY-do tell!) How do you feel about the person now? No matter the fact that the terminology of "crush" implies a poor ending I still fall into them as often as I need it! It's silly I know but that "Jake Ryan" (Sixteen candles people...) is out there. That guy/girl you get up for in the morning. The one you put tinted lip balm and mascara for. The one that gives you that little pep in your step.
ah, innocence!

well that does it for today's blog.

un abrazo,
Asta

Savoring Solitude with Simon and Garfunkel

2009-09-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

"I am a rock! I am an island..."
Today, I had a very strong sense of self awareness. I have been living a big chunk of my life in a shell. This shell was once a false armor. It was my way of protecting myself from seeming hurt, happy or just affected. I never realized how thick it indeed was. I wondered why people never knew how I truly felt. I wondered why I didn't cry (especially when I needed to). I wondered why I had an almost sense of stoic nature about me. Every year---or every month for that matter--my mind races into new epiphanies on life, love, friendship. I barely recognize the person I was before each mind-shift. But somehow I never put this connection to full fledged action. Not until today.

I woke up. I woke up and I punched my pillow. I punched my pillow and I kicked my bed. I kicked my bed and I got up invigorated! Then I proceeded to get ready for the day ahead.
Took a shower.
Dried my hair.
Got dressed.
Grabbed a protein shake.
Walked out the door....

Then I walked to the bus stop and waited and waited and waited. I felt this overwhelming wave of anger sweep over me and I temporarily channeled that into my sips of EAS. Once the bus came I felt guilty realizing I was going to be the only one to get a seat but once I considered the pain in my right knee and all the waiting I did....I didn't feel guilty anymore. See, it's those little things in life where a person feels an over sense of "manner" and that is just the kind of thing that can get you walked all over. I eventually got to my destination-the light rail. As I got on I was happy to find my favorite seat or rather kind of seat. I love to sit it the back two seats where you are facing away from everyone. There are no distractions- just the window and my itunes. the lightrail is extremely calming for me. Today, I chose to listen to Simon and Garfunkel the whole way. If there was ever a day I needed their serenity, it was today. Listening to the "sound of silence" and "homeward bound" brought a genuine smile to my face and filled my self back to full capacity. It's amazing how music and lyrics have resonance at different stages in your life.
In the ride I realized how much I should value one relationship more than any other-the one with myself. I tend to forget it and my loyalties to others beg a different perspective. But me. Every time in my life that I forgot what my value was things went to the wayside. not anymore. no way no how.

I''ll scream when I need to. I'll sing when I feel like it. I'll spontaneously dance to the beat of my own flamenco puro. And I'll punch my damn pillow!

un abrazo,
Asta

2009-09-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

Hello, To whom it may concern/universe,etc :

I am a human. I have 'human needs'.Yea, funny I know. you think after being plugged into a computer or classroom or tv or society that I would have morphed by now. But I haven't...sorry. I want more than anything to get that across. I eat when I'm hungry. I (most of the time) sleep when I'm tired. ETC, ETC. I have grown to become a more self assured 'woman' and now I want----more than ever---to SCREAM! Why, you ask? Because for some reason this bundle of energy, flesh and bone-wants More out of life. More. None of this "we'll see" or "you have plenty of time to do that.." ETC, ETC. I could die tomorrow! I have been patient at the balls you've thrown my way. The drama at home, in heart, and school. I have always managed to act as a puritan and accept that the world/God works in "mysterious ways". well? what's the solution to this mystery ( not to sound like a bratty teenager)? I have somewhat figured my shit out. Like my deep down -depths of my soul, ETC, ETC. This will be a continuing process. (I do realize...)

Or perhaps it IS me who is holding myself back.
Also I wonder: as I am in a world with other people, I think too many times whether ties should be cut or bonds should be strengthened. There have been so many times that I let go because it was too hard to try and make something of friendships, love, or family.
For the first time in my life: I don't want to know what's ahead. I want to be prepared but I don't want to depend on 'hypotheticals'. Will you still love me tomorrow? The question is: Will I? At this age (as in mine and the time) things seem ever distant, detached,and ever evolving. Anything you need or desire is just a type or click away. What do I want? What do you want? How do I get it?When I get it will I appreciate it? Is intense feeling fleeting by nature? I want to let go and give in to you-you mighty universe or...whatever. I'll stop second guessing. I will only make my own crude path and hope you will fill in the rest. I want partnership/love, security (whether that be monetary or familial), and I want peace of mind for more than a few precious months.
I am one year away from having nowhere to (technically) live, no one to love, or my good friends to laugh with. THIS IS if I don't let go of my stubborn control. I am self destructive by nature. I am a self saboteur. I am afraid of getting hurt. I realize this. So now I wanted you to know- I am open for the 'direction' and I will stop the damn awkwardness.

un abrazo,
Asta

P.S. I realize this was pissy in nature but it's out now and it's uphill from here...